Why Parents Are Better Friends
Parents are the closest to their children; this helps them understand children better than anyone else. They are there through their children’s developmental stages from infancy to adulthood, a position that allows them to shape the lives of children. Sometimes this doesn’t happen, and many things can go wrong in a child’s life.
According to a study by the Center on Developing Children at Harvard University, severe deprivation or neglect by parents affects the way a child’s brain develops or processes information. This increases the risk for intentional, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral disorders.
Another report from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) showed that a mother’s absence is significantly and negatively associated with children’s development in comparison to a father’s absence. One percentage increase in the length of a mother’s absence reduces the probability of graduating from senior high school and entering college by 6.7% and 6.5%, respectively.
Parents need to be present in the lives of children as friends. This means balancing the roles of guardians and friends at different stages of their lives.
Many adults didn’t enjoy closeness with their parents while growing up, and that affected who they became as adults. Parents who fail to establish connections with their children make it difficult for children to see them as friends. This happens when parents focus more on duty than building lives. Parents can easily step into the role of friendship with their children when they focus more on nurturing a child’s life.
Every Child Needs a Friend
A child’s development depends heavily on the parents, the home environment, and the people around. Children need adults they can trust and look up to; this should be someone more knowledgeable and experienced about life matters. The closest adult to any child should be the parent; however, when parents don’t fill this gap, children often seek connections elsewhere. Sometimes, they draw closer to uncles, aunts, teachers, or even classmates to fill the friendship gap.
As a parent, letting another person be closer to your child can be risky. The person will play a significant role in shaping your child’s personality. Children are very susceptible and gullible and tend to believe whatever a trusted adult tells them; their hearts are open, craving ideas, and their minds are eager for information. That is why they ask so many questions. Children want to learn about their environment, the world they find themselves in, and everything in it. They will go to whoever is closest and ready to provide the information they need.
Children Look Up to Adults to Learn
A child’s mind is like a clean slate there’s a strong desire to fill it with information. That is why children are always asking questions. This drive makes them seek closeness and friendship with any adult who gives them the attention they crave and answers their questions.
Any child can be vulnerable due to this unguided quest. They are open to anyone who satisfies their curiosity, whether they have positive intentions or not. Sadly, many children have suffered abuse from adults with negative intentions, as they continued to be trusting and innocent.
When parents are friends with their children, it becomes difficult for anyone else to harm them. Children are open and will tell their parents if someone is behaving inappropriately towards them. As important as it is for parents to be friends with their children, many challenges hinder this relationship.
Challenges Children Face in Becoming Friends With Their Parents
I took the time to interview two teenage children to find out the challenges they face in making their parents best friends.
These two teenage children, Eric and Jane, were interviewed to ensure this topic isn’t addressed solely from an adult’s point of view. Some of the reasons they gave are surprising, not because they are unreasonable, but because they came from the sincerest of hearts.
- Parents Are Too Old
Funny enough, that was the first reason given by Eric and Jane. They believe their parents are too old to be their friends. The age gap between parents and children makes them think their parents can’t understand them.
Many parents aren’t flexible in their lifestyle and struggle to connect with their children. Some believe that teachers and nannies are the only ones responsible for interacting with younger people since it’s part of their job.
If you’re a parent who desires to be friends with your children, bring yourself to their level so they can trust and get closer to you.
- Can’t Trust Parents with Secrets
This was another unexpected response. Children believe that parents easily spill secrets.
Eric, one of the teens I interviewed, told me he doesn’t share secrets with his parents because they can’t keep them. Every time he told them something confidential, they would end up sharing it in front of others when they visited. This wasn’t just Eric’s experience—Jane also agreed that parents tend to divulge secrets.
As a parent, understand that your children want you to keep their private matters secret. If you want them to trust you and be friends with you, don’t share things they prefer to keep confidential.
- Parents Are Too Busy
Jane shared her experience with a busy mom. She said, “Mom is always too busy with her work; she barely has time to listen when I want to talk with her.” She added, “Dad is rarely home; he only comes back at night. When I try to talk with him, he complains about being tired. But the housekeeper is different; she listens to me and plays with me whenever she’s less busy.”
Being too busy to spend time with children is common among families of professionals and business people. This category of parents focuses more on making money because they believe financial provision is their primary role as parents.
However, parents must realize that children need emotional support just as much as physical provision, which they can only achieve by giving their children attention and spending time with them.
- Parents Don’t Share Their Children’s Interests
Jane also mentioned that she doesn’t think her parents are interested in what she wants to share with them. She believes they don’t care about her interests because they have different passions.
Many parents don’t get close to their children because they see their activities as childish. This can result in children making wrong decisions because there is no adult to guide them. When they notice parents aren’t interested, they turn to other adults who show concern.
Parents, be mindful; don’t let your children seek refuge in a stranger. Every effort you make as a parent to participate in what your child is doing is worthwhile.
- Many Parents Are Ignorant
Another reason many parents don’t see the importance of becoming friends with their children is simply because they are ignorant of the value such friendship can add to the lives of their children.
Some parents act like managers at home, focusing solely on goals and tasks. Others act like leaders, who are just focused on achieving goals and getting things done. Leaderparents help their children overcome obstacles by supporting them and doubling as friends.
How Does Parental Distance Affect Children’s Lives?
Children who grew up with their parents involved as friends are better adjusted than those who didn’t. They tend to be wiser, better-tempered, and more capable of handling life’s challenges.
Dysfunctional behavior in children or adults often traces back to their upbringing. That’s why Proverb 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; when he grows up, he will not depart from it.”
Children are like vessels in the hands of parents. They can become broken vessels when not carefully handled. If they break, parents may not be able to fix them back; they have to be taken back to their Maker, God.
Felix, a 56-year-old man, struggles with self-confidence, finding it difficult to stand boldly and speak his mind. He is always hiding because he is shy. When hurt, he prefers to withdraw rather than stand up to face the situation. Felix thinks being on his own will help him avoid having problems with people, but it’s not possible to live alone.
One day, he opened up to tell me why he lives like a tortoise, withdrawing back into his shell when faced with challenges.
“My father was a wicked man,” he said. “My childhood was uninteresting. I lived alone with my father, and he never cared about my interests or spent any time with me. I was always alone; my books were my best companions. Anytime I got back from school, I would spend the rest of the day and part of the night reading.
Despite living alone with my father, we were neither close nor friends. He lived in his world; I lived in mine, with nothing to make life interesting. I was always scared of my father who would shout at me at the slightest mistake. His attitude made me wonder sometimes if he was my father. I found it hard to tell him anything or confide in him; that made my childhood a lonely journey.
I had no friends to visit or spend my spare time with, and my father didn’t allow me to mingle with other children in the neighborhood. His distance from me made me a lone ranger.
“I find it difficult to express myself as an adult because I was intimidated as a child.”
Unfortunately, Felix didn’t have proper childhood development, which shaped the kind of adult he became. As a growing child, he was not close to his father; his mother was not around to fill in the gap.
When parents miss out on their duties to establish a close relationship with their children, it leaves a mark on their lives that will shape their adulthood. But when parents become friends with their children, they support their mental and emotional development.
Make yourself approachable and give your children the opportunity to ask questions about life, the environment they find themselves in, and the challenges they face.
Children love a joyful atmosphere and play a lot because they see life as fun. However, they can be easily frightened, any act of meanness from parents or adults can scare them and make them pull away. They easily welcome friendly gestures, warmth, and love. This is the only way they can open up and share what’s on their minds.
Unfortunately, many parents misplace strictness with meanness, and as a result, their relationship with their children is ruined. Parents need to understand that they cannot get the best from their children unless they get them closer and become friends with them. Sometimes, fathers are guiltier of meanness and unfriendliness to children than mothers. Eventually, they become jealous when they see the closeness mothers share with their children.
All adults, including parents, need to understand that children relate to them based on their perception of their mood, mindset, and motives. The points and examples discussed in this article give insights into how children feel about the distance between them and their parents. If you are a parent, this will help you learn how to build a better relationship with your children, know how to get closer and become friends with them.
